It can be a silent slayer of relationships.
One of the most important things we can do in our lives is to build our own confidence and help others instil confidence in themselves.
We don’t need research to tell us that many of us lack confidence in our abilities at different times or in different aspects of our lives. Despite being seen as a powerless attribute, lack of confidence can have a powerful dark side that can have devastating effects on personal and professional relationships.
When we lack self-confidence, we often listen to the small voices in our head that tell us that we’re not good enough in many ways. I am not good enough to apply for that job, not appealing enough to ask someone out, not confident enough to speak up in a meeting, and the list goes on. Consequently, we often don’t obtain what we desire, and we can become envious and resentful of others.
Confident people appear to get what they want, the job, the girl, the invitations. They can also be subjected to the dark emotions of envy and resentment that people who lack confidence can sometimes project upon them. The reason is not always clear, but the outcome can be ambiguous and destroy relationships. Envy is always based on comparisons; it is a desire for something another person has. Although we may not realize it, envy can stem from a lack of confidence, which prevents us from achieving our goals.
Imagine being the boss and being aware that you lack the skills and confidence to guide people, but you still hold the position. Some people choose to go to your subordinate instead of asking for your advice because they believe they possess the leadership abilities you lack.
What if you feel an overwhelming sense of injustice? You, as the leader, believe that they should seek your advice. How are you likely to act towards that subordinate?
I witnessed this situation, and the supervisor terminated the subordinate. The subordinate’s skills were lost to the organisation, and the boss never gained the leadership respect he desperately wanted. The outcome was lose-lose.
The underlying problem was something you would least expect: the bosses lack of confidence. As an HR executive, I have had the privilege to understand that lack of confidence occurs across all areas of life irrespective of hierarchy or position.
I also understand that although we have a choice about how we are going to react to any situation once the dark shadows of envy and resentment creep into any relationship they are hard to dispel without action. There is a reason why envy is called “the evil eye”.
Over time, I have learned that it is one of those unrecognised factors that can make or break relationships. The potential that is lost due to lack of confidence or self-worth in our personal, work, and societal relationships is something we are just starting to confront.
It’s not surprising that research is currently being conducted on the connection between lack of confidence and the dark emotions of envy and jealousy.
Self-confidence is becoming more important, and it’s a skill that can be taught, which is good news. Companies have frequently reached out to me to incorporate confidence into their education programs, and it is a frequent topic of discussion in my executive coaching practice.
As individuals, parents, teachers, and leaders, I believe that developing confidence in ourselves and others is a top leadership priority. I’m not referring to a sense of self-importance, but rather a constructive attitude towards one’s abilities and potential.
On the dark side, if lack of confidence causes us to become envious and resentful of others and we sharpen our talons in response to those dark emotions, this reaction can cause the silent shredding of relationships.
On the light side, developing confidence is a skill that if recognised for its importance, and embraced in families, educated in schools, and trained in organisations, it just may make a difference and enhance our relationships which to most of us is our most valuable possession we can have.
Jenny Brice
